&

Sup, TiVo,

You know, like, we’ve had some good times and some bad times. Like, the times you record stuff with Justin Theroux and Josh Charles. Those are good times. And the times when you record nine hours of Mad About You. Those are bad times.

We need to talk about your relationship with the DirecTV. I know I didn’t ask you if you wanted to work with him, but like, your consistent communication problems are really bothering me. Like, I’m sorry if DirecTV tells you that Wings is on, and then you try to change it to the Wings channel and instead I get thirty minutes of an infomercial for a salad dehydrator or something that organizes my fruit while I sleep. Or when you say you’re recording “Weekend at Bernies 2″ and instead you record three hours of a BLANK SCREEN with a phone number for me to call to buy a channel I don’t want because you’re on the WRONG CHANNEL and “Weekend at Bernies 2″ is on a TOTALLY DIFFERENT CHANNEL and you AREN’T RECORDING THAT EITHER.

Look TiVo. I know I love you, but for $12.95 plus applicable taxes and fees per month, I expect you to deliver. And when I say deliver, TiVo, I MEAN if you SAY I CAN SEE “WEEKEND AT BERNIES 2″ I want you to MEAN I CAN SEE “WEEKEND AT BERNIE’S 2.”

TiVo, really, don’t PLAY WITH MY EMOTIONS LIKE THIS. I just can’t deal. I’m fragile since Conan left, but I know he’s back now (NOT THAT YOU NOTICED AND RECORDED THAT), and things will get better.

I’m glad we had this little chat.

-ME

p.s. Thanks for the E! News Jon and Kate special. And thanks for all the Vh1 Charm School. I’m sorry I treat you bad baby, I just really love “Weekend at Bernies 2,” ok?