So, since the work shakeups, certain things that were never previously a hassle are now a huge big deal. And then other things that were a big deal are huge hassles.
After two weeks of not sleeping, barely eating and working 15-20-hour days, I went to see a doctor. It isn’t a secret I have some medical issues with anxiety and high blood pressure, and then when external stressors pile up, things get easily overwhelming. It starts to affect my body, and comes out as 36-hour headaches, digestive problems, extreme blood pressure swings (190/90 isn’t unheard of). So I have to turn to modern medicine to get myself back to normal.
All of this is to say that possibly one of the greatest meals of my entire life, up there with Le Cirque and In-N-Out Burger and that place I went in Mexico with the prawns and Cafe Gray and those steakhouses where everything is a-la-carte and dudes punch other dudes, is microwaved pizza rolls and valium. And sitting in bed, in my jammies, in the afternoon, eating pizza rolls, watching tv on the internet is just about the best therapy out there.
Today was the first day of fall quarter classes at the college where I work. Today was tough, and long, and I had a ton of things to do. I worked yesterday. I worked Saturday. And Friday. And Thursday I worked, closed on buying my condo, and received some difficult and challenging news about some reorganization at the college.
I’ve read all that stuff about how difficult times are when people worth their mettle shine through. And how things that are hard are tests of character and blah blah blah. But sometimes, things are just hard. On Thursday morning, a friend asked me to make plans for Saturday night. I told him I was closed to new problems or questions. My brain was full. And then 10,000 things happened and pretty much, my brain has overloaded. Now it’s crashing.
I feel like at any moment, I could just go catatonic. Mentally bluh out on being able to comprehend even just one more thing. I do not feel like I’m getting stronger, or my character is developing or this is a chance for me to shine. I feel like this is a chance for me to eat an entire box of Cheez-Its. The time for my ability to drink red wine to be tested and proven. An opportunity for me prove my mettle as someone who can get her blood pressure up to 190/90 and not be fainting. I’m incredibly good at maintaining a sort of walking panic attack and still just plodding through.
I’m completely overwhelmed, but I’m doing the best I can.