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It is nice to be known well.


The #blacklivesmatter vs. #alllivesmatter hashtag argument, I get it. We need to support each other while acknowledging our differences, not belittling them. You can’t celebrate and care about people if you see them as one large mass of humanity. The individuals, their stories, their lives, our fascinating singularity as individuals is what makes us matter.

But, what I always want to say in the middle of the debate, to people, is YOUR life matters. If I know you, you matter to me. I care about you. Your life matters to me. You matter. You are 1/7,000,000,000th of this world and without you none of us would be the same.

Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone. I love you.

Movin’ on up

So if Jon Stewart and my boyfriend Bri Wi are retiring/suspended, that means I’m moving up on the waiting list of people with their own shows.

(Also, I told my mom “Oh, my boyfriend got suspended from work today,” and she said “What?” and I said, “You know, Brian Williams,” and she said, like with actual shock and surprise “But I thought the Phanatic was your boyfriend!” And it’s cute when she’s supportive.)


My mom called me today at work, which is always unnerving. I saw her number on the caller ID and was immediately worried it was bad news.

“Jessica. I received a symbol.”

And then I was just, oh, OK, so my mom had a psychic vision and is calling to tell about it. She’s seen a supernatural sign that she will win the lottery or I will meet my future husband or that we should go to Chili’s tomorrow.

“What was it?”

“With some Keurig packs?” she said.

Backstory: my friend Ian moved apartments and had limited space to set up a drum kit, so he set it up in my apartment. The crash cymbal is bent, so I bought a new one as a gift/thanks.

She was calling to tell me the cymbal had been delivered to her house. (I had left the address from something I’d bought for her and then not changed it back.) But because she is her and I am me I just assumed it was more likely she had seen a metaphysical sign and was calling to tell me about it.

Happy 2015. (Also we are going to Chili’s tomorrow.)

Festivus traditions

Airing of grievances

Dec. 23 is Festivus. Among annual Festivus traditions (dinner, Feats of Strength, miracles) is the annual “Airing of Grievances.”

In accordance with Festivus rituals, here are my grievances for 2014:

• Georgia has not yet ruled same-sex marriage legal.
• More than 7,300 people died from ebola.
• Mike Brown was killed by a police officer.
• Tamir Rice was killed by a police officer.
• Eric Garner was killed by a police officer.
• Bill Cosby is a rapist.
• The CIA tortured people, and also proved torture didn’t work.
• The Sochi Olympics were a expensive, epic fail.
• Bob Costas’ eye infection at the Sochi Olympics was an epic, epic fail.
• The Transformers movie made more than a billion dollars.
• Syria’s civil war continued.
• Malaysian Airlines flight 370 disappeared.
• Russia tried to annex Crimea.
• Ray Rice assaulted his wife in an elevator.
• ISIS took over Fallujah, Mosul and Tikrit, and beheaded five western journalists and aid workers.
• Kim Kardashian’s butt.
• The World Cup was expensive and actually kind of boring.
• Malaysian Airlines flight 17 “crashed” in Ukraine.
• 43 Mexican students disappeared.
• Talaban attacked a school in Peshawar.
• Macklemore won four Grammy awards.
• Oscar De La Renta, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Harold Ramis, Don Pardo, Elaine Stritch, Eli Wallach, Robin Williams and Maya Angelou died.
• I turned 33.
• There were only eight episodes of True Detective.
• I did not marry the Phillie Phanatic.
• I did not see a show on the Run the Jewels tour.
• Gamergate existed.
• Iggy Azalea keeps saying the dumbest stuff.
• Israel and Hamas fought for seven weeks.
• The Hobbit movie was not released in time for me to see it on my birthday.
• My Wednesday night trivia team did not win first place any time we went.
• There are only five living White Rhinos left.
• I am not 5’10” nor do I live in financial stability.
• I had to purchase bras from a medical supply company for my itty bitty titties.
• GPB took students off the air during day shifts on the long-running Georgia State University station Album 88, WRAS.

Consider my Festivus obligations complete.